Silent Tears
by Pickles the Great
Summary: Both of them needed her. Neither of them loved her. Dependence isn't love. Dependence is weak, and it can be broken. EdRizaRoy triangle, angst galore.


I've been rather intrigued by the EdRizaRoy triangle lately, and decided to give it a whirl. And of course, plenty of angst:D

You're welcome.

(Don't own nuthin')

**&&&**

It used to be what she lived for. It brought her joy every morning. It made her happy. She thought she was happy. She loved to feel needed, wanted, loved. He made her feel that way. He would come over in the dead of night to her apartment, with no warning or indication, and tell her she was beautiful. Tell her that he needed her. That she was the only one he would ever love. He would whisper those words in her ear over again while she slept in his arms. _I love you. I want you. I need__ you._ How she loved to hear him say that. She loved to feel needed.

Then everything changed. She had willfully ignored it at first. She was in denial. It was a lie. There was no way Roy would possibly do that to her, not after everything he had told her, after everything she had given up for him.

But once she saw the rumored woman she knew. She didn't blame him. She was much younger than her, she was much prettier than her. Why on earth would he of all people choose her over all the other beautiful, gorgeous young women he could have? He could have anyone he wanted. He didn't need her like he said he did. It was all a lie, lie, lie.

It took her awhile but she finally cried. She locked the door to the break room and she cried for what seemed like hours. She cried because he lied to her. She cried because she believed those lies. She cried because she wanted to believe them. She cried for how stupid she was. She wasn't special. She was never special. It was all a lie, lie, lie.

Than the door to the break room opened, and she quickly dried her tears. It was Edward, here for a cup of coffee and a nap. She asked him how he got through when she locked the door. He picked the lock. He really wanted coffee.

He asked her why she needed the door locked. She told him the truth, that she was crying. The look on his face quickly melted into one of shock; he had obviously made her in his mind into what everybody else thought she was; perfect, flawless Lieutenant Hawkeye. Not a person. Not _human_. Hawkeye wasn't _'human'_.

He hesitantly asked her why. He sounded sincere, he really wanted to know. Sincerity was a strange thing. He wanted to know. He cared.

So she told him. She told him how stupid she was for believing all his lies, how he just wanted another whore to add to his list, how he never needed her. He never thought she was special. He never needed her. She was never needed. All lies. Everything, all of it was just another lie, lie, lie. When she turned to look at him his face was contorted in anger. Angry even for Ed. He spat, and then he told her something she never thought she would hear.

_"You're better than that."_

How was that possible? How could she be better? She had given everything she had and it still wasn't enough. The tears started flowing again, and this time she was angry. She was angry because He lied to her. She was angry because She took Him from her. She was angry because Edward was lying to her now. She was angry at everything, for giving her false hope that she was special. She was angry at the whole damn world. She stood on her feet, grabbed a vase and threw it as hard as she possibly could to the other side of the room. Anger worked for everyone else; why not her? She stared at the broken pieces of the vase for hours. It was shattered beyond repair, broken into little tiny pieces. The tears started flowing freely; the vase was just like her. That was her, shattered and broken there on the other side of the room. She was staring at herself after He had thrown her. That was probably what she looked like to everyone.

Then Edward did something she never thought he would do. He slowly got to his feet, walked to the wall, and bent down on his knees. He brought his hands slowly together, and placed them gently on the broken pieces. After a few moments of light, the pieces were gone. The vase was standing there, better than new. The chips and cracks were gone. It was whole. It was beautiful. And she again reminded herself that she was that vase. The vase that Edward fixed.

She stared at the new vase for a bit, then straightened herself, got on her knees beside Ed, and cried into his chest. He held her, he let her cry. Like He never did. He cared. He was a child, but he cared. Was it still wrong if it was someone who cared?

It was like that for awhile. Whenever he was in town he would come to her house. She would make him a cup of tea and they would talk. They talked about everything, News, Politics, Home, coming up with funny names for Bradley, Science, and Morals. Nothing was off limits to them. They could share everything with each other and did. He made her happy. He was what she never had.

Then one day he came crying. He was sobbing and moaning and telling her everything. How it was all his fault, how what he did had ruined so many lives, how nothing could ever fix his long list of mistakes. It was then that she finally realized that Edward was not an adult by any means. Edward was a child. A child that needed to be held and comforted this entire time but no one offered it to him. No one gave him a chance to cry. He was just like her. He wasn't human. The Fullmetal Alchemist wasn't _'human'_. She did for him what he did for her. She offered him a place to go when he needed to cry. She gave him someone to rely on, a foundation of stone. She stroked his hair and whispered comforting words in his ear while he cried.

And now it was different. Now they could never go back to the way things were. It was now a dream, a place far out of her reach, never to return. Now she was a place to go for comfort. Now she was a place to cry. She wasn't a friend. She was a mother. She ignored the obvious fact, denied it to herself time and time again. This was different than Him. This wouldn't turn into Him. It was different this time.

The nagging thoughts in the back of her mind were wrong. Edward was different than Him. He had fixed her. He had given her a shoulder to cry on when she needed it most. He cared. He _cared_.

But she thought back, and realized it was just one time. He had only held her that one time. And since then, she was the one listening to him talk. She was helping him cry. The same as Him. First he started out filling her with dreams of giving her all she ever wanted. But in the end it turned out to be all about Him. Just like Ed, he needed someone to cry on. He was also flawed. And then Ed said something that finalized it all for her. That turned him into Him.

_"I need you."_

Again, there was someone who needed her. Someone who depended completely on her. He said he couldn't live without her. She was all that kept him going. Without her shoulder to cry on, he would be gone. He wouldn't be able to continue. She almost smiled. There was something about having a life that depended on your existence. Something that couldn't live without you. It made her happy again. But she knew eventually he would turn out just like Him. They were so alike. It was only a matter of time.

She didn't know how long after, but soon He approached her, his eyes bright with unshed tears. He knelt down beside her and placed his head in her lap, sobbing silently into her. Apparently he wanted to apologize and tell her the truth all along. It was a mistake, what happened. The girl, the girl who took Him away from her, looked almost exactly like her. She had long, flowing blonde hair and fair, wide brown eyes with long lashes. He had seen her at a bar, and he had been drunk. She hated it when he went out drinking. He had promised her that he had quit. But he, in his drunken haze, had mistaken the girl for her. He had kissed her right there in public and proclaimed his love for her loudly because he thought She was her. He felt nothing for this girl; he didn't even know her name. It was her he loved. It was her he wanted to go home with that night. It was all a mistake.

She asked him quietly through silent tears why he didn't tell her. He said that it was because he didn't want her angry at him because he went drinking again. He thought if no one knew, it would all just go away. He didn't know the girl would run off bragging to her friends how she had won the love of a handsome stranger. He held her close to him and begged for her forgiveness. He needed her more than ever. He depended on her. He needed her to fix him. This time her tears were audible when she said she would.

But now Edward had become a problem. He still needed her, he still depended on her as a mother, and he trusted her like no one else. He was smiling when he told her how happy he was that she was his now. He had her all to himself. She didn't know what to say. How could she tell him that she had already gone back to the man who broke her heart? He took pride in the fact that he saved her; he fixed her when she was broken. He had saved her from Him. And then he kissed her. It was quick and inexperienced, but it was a kiss nonetheless. She knew he must have been working up the courage to do that for months. She couldn't think of anything to say to him when he looked at her, his golden eyes were pleading for acceptance. Equivalent Exchange; he gave her something so he wanted something in return. So she took his lips in hers lightly and gently. Nothing deep or binding, a quick, chaste kiss. Edward, however, who had little experience in kissing took this as a sign and began searching for her feverishly. He needed something, he just didn't know what. She didn't know if she could give it to him.

When she went to work the next morning she felt dirty. She was putting Him in the same position she had been in just months prior, only she was committing these acts consciously. She knew what she was doing, and she didn't feel guilty enough. So that afternoon when he pulled her into their office and onto the couch she fought back tears. She had no idea what she was doing to herself.

She felt occasional pangs of bitterness towards them all. Why did none of them notice her discomfort? When they suffered or cried she was right there next to them in a heartbeat, kissing it better and licking their wounds. She gave up everything she had to make them happy. Why could none of them give anything back for her? Where was _her_ Equivalent Exchange?

So she cried. She made it a habit the moment she got home she threw herself into the bedroom and sobbed uncontrollably. That way she could be nice and normal by the time Edward arrived. She would have gotten everything out of her system by then. They had enough to worry about, didn't they? They didn't need her weighing on to their worries. She would be fine.

But fine became a less and less defining term. She didn't know what 'fine' was anymore. She became accustomed to sudden bursts of tears, she barely even noticed when she cried anymore. It had become so normal to her, she just couldn't differ it from the normal feel of rain. Slowly but surely, they were breaking her. She was becoming numb to any kind of pain.

It wasn't long before she completely collapsed. She couldn't even make it to the bathroom, she fell over in the middle of her floor and cried. She couldn't handle it anymore. She cried and cried for hours. She didn't even remember that she had given Ed a key to her apartment; he was shocked that when he opened the door he found her shaking hysterically in the center of the room. He rushed to her side and put his human arm around her, coaxing the source of her discomfort out. She told him quickly through sobs how she couldn't take it anymore, she was human and she couldn't shoulder the pain and flaws of three people. Edward slowly came to the realization he was not the only man Riza had anymore. He was second, yet again, to Him. After everything He put her through, he still had the Goddamn nerve to unload more of his problems on her. It wasn't fair. She had enough. He rose swiftly to make his way towards His house when she grabbed him by the sleeve. She begged him not to go. She begged him not to hurt Him. She loved Him. She always had. He couldn't stand it, hovering over her while she professed her love for Him, he saved her from Him. Why did he deserve to get her back? He had caused her nothing but suffering! He didn't deserve her love!

But she pleaded him not to harm Him. She had invested so much time in fixing Him, she was so close. Maybe then they could be happy together. Maybe the two of them together would make one whole, happy person.

Edward couldn't bear it. He took her wrist and led her hand away from his sleeve and he left. He left her to cry and suffer all alone. He didn't care after all. He was just using her to absolve his problems. He was just as bad as He was. Maybe neither of them needed her. Maybe no one needed her. Maybe she was completely and utterly useless. Would any of them miss her if she died? She took her gun out of her holster and evaluated it quietly. _No_, she thought silently. _They probably wouldn't_.

**&&&**

So yeah, I'll leave you to figure out what she decides to do. Good effing luck. I got no clue.


End file.
